Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
