I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize