The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
did i just pee glitter
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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