can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
