Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have fence marks all over my body
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
