I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
