i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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