I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize