I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize