i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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