so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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