clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
