Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
