thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
