the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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