I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
