i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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