I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
