The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
