I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
