dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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