I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
