I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
