I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I FOUND THE LEGS
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
