During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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