Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
