Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
