can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just had sex on a roof
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
