I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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