I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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