Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
