My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
