Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We had sex on a dog bed..
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
