Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
