What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
