You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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