it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize