Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
