he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
