ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
