i wish starbucks made bloody marys
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
