Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
