WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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