There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
