i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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