yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
