Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
