i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
did i just pee glitter
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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