I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
