My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize