ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
