If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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