I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
