dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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