I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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