Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
