i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
