yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
