Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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