I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
