I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
