So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
