I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
