Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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