I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
