some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
