I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
