Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
