I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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