Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
