My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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