We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
