is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
